I'm Weak and That's Okay

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I have been absent from my Saturday blog posts for several weeks due to some recent heath issues. For anyone who does not know, I have had a possible recurrence of breast cancer in my sternum. In the last month, I have had a chest CT, a PET scan, a biopsy, two COVID tests, tons of blood drawn, an EKG, and two days ago, I had surgery. My chest was cut open in a four-inch incision from the middle of my sternum to the top of my abdomen, and my xiphoid process (a piece of cartilage at the bottom of the sternum) along with a part of my breast bone was removed and sent off to the path lab. I have been at home since yesterday, and until this morning, I have been feeling alright.  


This morning, however, I woke up feeling as though I have been kicked square in the chest by an angry mule. It hurts to take a deep breath, cough or laugh. This resulted in my feeling week and helpless, and that resulted in extreme emotional weepiness, which in turn made me feel stupid. Simply put, I have been a complete wreck this morning.  


I don’t say any of this for pity or attention. Bear with me as I get to the point, please. 


People always say things to me such as: 

“You are so strong.”    

“You’re an inspiration.” 

“You are a warrior.” 

“You are amazing.” 


Honestly, I get a little embarrassed when I am told these things, and until this morning, I didn’t really know why. But then, amid my falling apart, what I already knew hit me. I am not strong. But my God is. 


In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul speaks of a thorn in his flesh. In verses 9-10, it says, (9) “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.’  Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. (10) So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 


Only a select few people truly see me in my weakest moments of brokenness. And I rarely allow even them to see that part of me. This morning, however, it surfaced, and I could do nothing to stop it. This allowed me to be reminded of just how desperately I need Jesus. I can walk through my days, proclaiming as loudly as I can that I trust in Him, that I have joy in the journey, and that I am not afraid. The truth is that I am as weak as they come, and I am only as strong as my trust in God is.  


I tell you all this to let you know that it’s okay to be weak, to feel helpless, to not know the answers. It is okay to not be strong all the time. And it’s okay for others to see that part of you. It is in that place of complete vulnerability that we learn to surrender all our trust and hope to Jesus. It is there that we find the fullness of His Love and peace. That’s where we find the joy in the journey.  


Happy Saturday. 

Love you all, 

Kim 

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